u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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