I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
