Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
