I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
