So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
