my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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