She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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