hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
