John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
