Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
