i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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