Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize