I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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