i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize