matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
