Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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