On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i drank out of a bidet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
