im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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