oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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