Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
