Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
