i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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