I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
