I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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