so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
