I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
