I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
