I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
