The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dicks are not precious.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
