1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He kissed a someone with a penis
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
