You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
