I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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