please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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