I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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