we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
