You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize