In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
