My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
