i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
