I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize