My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
