i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
