Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
