Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
