I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
