Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize