I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
