Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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