So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
