Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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