Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is Oprah even human
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
