Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
