My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
