On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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