Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
