i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
