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Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
