Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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