She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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