i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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