Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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