you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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